I keep my eyes wide open all the time ...

alright. well, this is something Ive been wanting to blog about for awhile now but its a touchy subject and i tend to let it get the best of me. i have a stomach malfunction, gastro-what the fuck ever, idk the whole huge long technical term but in simple people terms i have a paralyzed stomach. pretty much when i eat the food that goes in and down to my stomach doesn’t get digested until long after it should have been gone and out of my body.

ive been dealing with this nonsense for over two years, there is no cure, and may or may not go away. this disease punches me in the face, knocks me down and kicks me in the gut repeatedly EVERY SINGLE DAY. i cant eat without becoming EXTREMELY bloated, and feeling as if i just gained 400lbs. im a small girl, im tall standing at 5’7 but im thin weighing about 115lbs. no one will ever understand how shitty i feel about myself after i eat something, anything, a cheese stick, yogurt, grapes, pizza, cake, WHATEVER. i know im not “fat” but put yourself in my shoes, after you take one bite of fucking anything you blow up like a balloon and have to walk around with a huge food baby for the entire rest of the day or maybe even the day after that…all because your stomach is nothing but a lazy fuck!

my self confidence has been destroyed. its been dead and gone for probably about a year. i broke up with my long time bf because i cant even stand to let anyone touch me and you can fucking forget seeing my body. it tour us apart. im 20 years old. im young, and im an attractive girl i should not feel like this. ive always been the girl that has multiple guys wanting me and always had a boyfriend but now i cant even imagine letting a guy near me. i hate it. im so uncomfortable in my own skin.

nothing takes my mind from it either. food is constantly on my mind. i can never decide what to eat, when to eat or if i should eat at all. i just started going to see an nutritionist recently. ive only had three sessions and i know things take time but i feel as if she (the nutritionist) wants me to eat healthy but, shes missing the fact that even if i make healthier food choices i still feel gross (bloated) about myself after im finished eating. i really really hope she can help me but so far im not convinced.

eating has become such a scary thing. whenever im about to eat all i can think about is how bloated im going to be afterwards and how long am i going to stay bloated. it really sucks because i eat out a lot and my friends dont have this issue so they get to eat whatever they want while i have to decide if its worth it or not. its hard to eat at home because my parents dont have this issue so they dont understand and plus when i get off work, usually around 5, i am STARVING and cant wait until 7 when the food is finished.  oh i think i forgot to mention i only eat about once a day and its usually dinner and then late at night i like to binge and eat everything in my house because i go all day without eating.

so, yeah.

before this disease walked into my life i ate whatever i wanted whenever i wanted. i could eat and eat and eat and never gain a single pound. those days are long gone now though. now i barley ever eat and i gain and lose weight all the time. im a very active person also, i ride horses, and live in the gym. i try to take care of myself as best as i can but now its as if it seems nothing i do is good enough and i’ll always have to be “big and fat”

i hate this so much :(

i cry everyday and there no one that can do anything about it, i just have to live with it. :’(